Old habits die hard

how I feel



I've had it with life. I have no desire to live.
I'm cutting again. I cant function.
If I had the guts, I would have already ended it.

I'm not in the mood for people. don't be offended if I ignore you. or tell you point blank to leave me alone. my life. has fallen apart faster than ever. and I just cant see it ever getting better.


I guess, here is the scoop.



as most of you know, one of my Best Friends is Alan Crowther. (I visited him while in England a few months back, and let me just say I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN.)



well. guess what he has been denied transplant, after they fucked him around for 11months,,now they're just saying "thats it thanks for playing. now go home and die"
making him wait months and months for tests that should have been done all at once during the evaluation process. telling him "you'll be active on the list friday" and then calling him on monday saying "oh sorry we didnt list you need another scan, lets make it for 2 months from now" OVER and OVER again!!! its absolute bullshit !!!!

he had plans
him and Allie were thinking of having a child in vetro.
he was gonna come stay with me. we were all gonna make smores. cuz he'd never heard of them.
they were even considering moving here after his transplant
I spend all day, everyday talking and on cam with him and sometimes Allie.
when I wake up in the morning, he's there, sometimes with Allie :)
when I fall asleep at night, he's there. usually fast asleep himself, but he is still there.
and now its just like...i cant imagine my life without him in it

I know he has cf. I know transplant isnt always successful.
but......it was a shot.
and in that shot. more time.
more time for a cure. or better treatments
or something
and a shot for me to become more mentally stable. to be able to cope better.
do something other then carving into my flesh
something other than shutting down, and crying, for days, weeks on end.


I just don't know what to do anymore. I need help. I can't stand waking up in the morning. I can't stand seeing people, talking to people, breathing. living.

I just want it to go away.....anyone have any advice on how to go on living....?

Graduation

graduated my IOP program today. feeling decent (mentally) I think I'm making progress, however I dont think I'll be going back to chilton.
we'll see.

numb

Not really sure where I'm at.
Yesterday was a good day.
Daniella came over, spent the day with me.
Last night I started mood stablizers.
made me feel like a zombie.
I felt like I was sleep walking when I got up to pee (and eat cake) at 4am.
my eyes woulndt stay open. I felt heavy. it was an odd feeling.
I had a hard time waking up this morning as well.
I had a nice 1 1/2 hour shower this morning.
made plans to have lunch with a coach/friend from high school on tuseday.
its good for me to get out and see people. but I cant do large crowds or anything overly stimulating as I'll end up having an anxiety attack.

I'm officially on medical leave from work again. for a minimum of 4weeks. I dont know how I feel about that yet.

A week from today I start my IOT (intensive outpatient therapy)
4hrs a day, 3 days a week.
I'm not really looking forward to that at all, but if it helps, I'll do it.

I guess thats really it for now.


(P.S. my pacemaker has 7months left)