Old habits die hard

how I feel



I've had it with life. I have no desire to live.
I'm cutting again. I cant function.
If I had the guts, I would have already ended it.

I'm not in the mood for people. don't be offended if I ignore you. or tell you point blank to leave me alone. my life. has fallen apart faster than ever. and I just cant see it ever getting better.


I guess, here is the scoop.



as most of you know, one of my Best Friends is Alan Crowther. (I visited him while in England a few months back, and let me just say I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN.)



well. guess what he has been denied transplant, after they fucked him around for 11months,,now they're just saying "thats it thanks for playing. now go home and die"
making him wait months and months for tests that should have been done all at once during the evaluation process. telling him "you'll be active on the list friday" and then calling him on monday saying "oh sorry we didnt list you need another scan, lets make it for 2 months from now" OVER and OVER again!!! its absolute bullshit !!!!

he had plans
him and Allie were thinking of having a child in vetro.
he was gonna come stay with me. we were all gonna make smores. cuz he'd never heard of them.
they were even considering moving here after his transplant
I spend all day, everyday talking and on cam with him and sometimes Allie.
when I wake up in the morning, he's there, sometimes with Allie :)
when I fall asleep at night, he's there. usually fast asleep himself, but he is still there.
and now its just like...i cant imagine my life without him in it

I know he has cf. I know transplant isnt always successful.
but......it was a shot.
and in that shot. more time.
more time for a cure. or better treatments
or something
and a shot for me to become more mentally stable. to be able to cope better.
do something other then carving into my flesh
something other than shutting down, and crying, for days, weeks on end.


I just don't know what to do anymore. I need help. I can't stand waking up in the morning. I can't stand seeing people, talking to people, breathing. living.

I just want it to go away.....anyone have any advice on how to go on living....?

Suicide & Cutting

Yes, I cut myself.
I cut to make the emotional pain fade for awhile.
I cut to see myself bleed.
But all my cuts are superficial.
I know where the large veins and arteries are. I do not intend to cut them.
I use alcohol wipes before cutting.
I use antiseptic/antibacterial/antimicrobial wash after.
in the words of the psych who saw me at the hospital:
I cut "intelligently." and I'm not a "danger" to my life.

Yes, I've thought about my own death.
Yes, I've thought about being the cause of my own death.
Yes, sometimes, I'd like to be dead.
Yes, I know how I'd kill myself if I were ever to want to do it.

...however....

No, I would never kill myself.
as much as I want to sometimes.
I wouldn't do it, I couldn't do it.
being the only surviving of 3 children,
I could not do that to my family...or my friends
I know how it feels to lose a friend or family member to suicide,
I could not put the ones I love through that pain.