numb

Not really sure where I'm at.
Yesterday was a good day.
Daniella came over, spent the day with me.
Last night I started mood stablizers.
made me feel like a zombie.
I felt like I was sleep walking when I got up to pee (and eat cake) at 4am.
my eyes woulndt stay open. I felt heavy. it was an odd feeling.
I had a hard time waking up this morning as well.
I had a nice 1 1/2 hour shower this morning.
made plans to have lunch with a coach/friend from high school on tuseday.
its good for me to get out and see people. but I cant do large crowds or anything overly stimulating as I'll end up having an anxiety attack.

I'm officially on medical leave from work again. for a minimum of 4weeks. I dont know how I feel about that yet.

A week from today I start my IOT (intensive outpatient therapy)
4hrs a day, 3 days a week.
I'm not really looking forward to that at all, but if it helps, I'll do it.

I guess thats really it for now.


(P.S. my pacemaker has 7months left)

Summing up my mental health

I'm terrified of losing my job but at the same time I dont know if I can even do it anymore.

People expect me to be okay with being on disability. I'm far from okay with that.

I expect more out of myself than I'm capable of achieving.

I had to back out of (temporarily) the one thing I live for (working with CF/CFers) because I cant handle the suffering and death right now.


I've gone over the edge, been pulled back and I'm now teetering on it.

I talked my way out of the mental hospital. I couldn't stay there any longer.
it was making me worse.
I'm doing an intensive outpatient program.

Drastically changing my meds.
Coming to terms with the reality that after bouncing the diagnoses back & forth for years...I may infact be bipolar.

Hospital

I went in friday.



They wanted me admitted. but I refused to stay in that place. it was like being in jail. I couldnt have my phone. my mom couldnt stay with me. they wanted me to use a little steel toilet in the corner of my room. they can actually lock you in the room. your room is like an observation room so they can all see in. theres cameras everywhere
they wouldnt let me have my own clothes, book, slippers. or anything. I could only eat with spoons
I was like FUCKKKK this

now I have to do some intensive outpatient thing.
we're also doing alot of work on my meds.
trying to minimize stress and maximize fun/relaxation

My biggest fear right now is losing my job.
but we're also taking some steps to change that.


Everything in my life seems to be crashing.
Internally and externally.
Every little thing is enormously overwhelming.
I'm at the end of my rope.

its not even all about CF, granted curing CF would fix alot of my problems.
but theres just so, so much more to that in my life. and theres just not much that is going right.

yesterday I spent a good 4-5 hrs crying. just sobbing. I didnt cut anymore though.
I just cried. and cried. and cried. and cried. and then, I cried more.

SOMETHING has to change. and soon