have been rather mentally stable for a bit,
but the past few days have been struggling a bit.
in a not so good place right now.
I don't know where I belong in life.
I start school on Thursday.
I'm probably going to have to quit my job.
I don't know where to start looking for a new one.
I'm open to suggestions?
I'm just so all over.
I'm not suicidal.
Just not stable.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Summing up my mental health
I'm terrified of losing my job but at the same time I dont know if I can even do it anymore.
People expect me to be okay with being on disability. I'm far from okay with that.
I expect more out of myself than I'm capable of achieving.
I had to back out of (temporarily) the one thing I live for (working with CF/CFers) because I cant handle the suffering and death right now.
I've gone over the edge, been pulled back and I'm now teetering on it.
I talked my way out of the mental hospital. I couldn't stay there any longer.
it was making me worse.
I'm doing an intensive outpatient program.
Drastically changing my meds.
Coming to terms with the reality that after bouncing the diagnoses back & forth for years...I may infact be bipolar.
People expect me to be okay with being on disability. I'm far from okay with that.
I expect more out of myself than I'm capable of achieving.
I had to back out of (temporarily) the one thing I live for (working with CF/CFers) because I cant handle the suffering and death right now.
I've gone over the edge, been pulled back and I'm now teetering on it.
I talked my way out of the mental hospital. I couldn't stay there any longer.
it was making me worse.
I'm doing an intensive outpatient program.
Drastically changing my meds.
Coming to terms with the reality that after bouncing the diagnoses back & forth for years...I may infact be bipolar.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Crashing
my stress comes from the fact that i have no time to rest.
my work life involves people suffering and dying. and my social life involves people suffering and dying (cuz my life revolves around CF stuff)
it consumes my life to point where sometimes even I think I have cf.
and i'm the type of person who cares about someone from the second they meet them.
so having to keep track of and care about and love everyone on my other friends list. is incredibly trying. and not worth it when most of them probably wouldnt lift a finger to help me in return.
i've come to the realization that 95% of my friends will die before me. not years before me. but possible decades before me. i'm afraid to meet new people with cf now. afraid to get close to anyone else. seeing cindy on the vent. it just. slapped me in the face. im terrified of losing her. i hate losing my friends. and losing someone like her. would be it for me. i'd probably drop off the face of the earth.
this past weekend i just narrowly escaped being admitted into the mental hospital. my shrink tried to put me in, but insted we just upped the anti depressants and she wrote me an actual note for work. i went away for the weekend. (sun-weds(today)) to visit a few friends. in hopes to get some relaxation in. it was less than a temporary fix. yes, i had fun. but life came crashing back down. last night when i realized i had to go back home. and back to life. i honestly dont know if i can do it anymore. im so close to quitting my job, my job which used to be my sanctuary. i adore my job. and the fact that last friday i spent the entire shift sitting in the stairwell crying. just blows my mind.
i'm sorry for the rant.
my work life involves people suffering and dying. and my social life involves people suffering and dying (cuz my life revolves around CF stuff)
it consumes my life to point where sometimes even I think I have cf.
and i'm the type of person who cares about someone from the second they meet them.
so having to keep track of and care about and love everyone on my other friends list. is incredibly trying. and not worth it when most of them probably wouldnt lift a finger to help me in return.
i've come to the realization that 95% of my friends will die before me. not years before me. but possible decades before me. i'm afraid to meet new people with cf now. afraid to get close to anyone else. seeing cindy on the vent. it just. slapped me in the face. im terrified of losing her. i hate losing my friends. and losing someone like her. would be it for me. i'd probably drop off the face of the earth.
this past weekend i just narrowly escaped being admitted into the mental hospital. my shrink tried to put me in, but insted we just upped the anti depressants and she wrote me an actual note for work. i went away for the weekend. (sun-weds(today)) to visit a few friends. in hopes to get some relaxation in. it was less than a temporary fix. yes, i had fun. but life came crashing back down. last night when i realized i had to go back home. and back to life. i honestly dont know if i can do it anymore. im so close to quitting my job, my job which used to be my sanctuary. i adore my job. and the fact that last friday i spent the entire shift sitting in the stairwell crying. just blows my mind.
i'm sorry for the rant.
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