Crashing

my stress comes from the fact that i have no time to rest.

my work life involves people suffering and dying. and my social life involves people suffering and dying (cuz my life revolves around CF stuff)

it consumes my life to point where sometimes even I think I have cf.

and i'm the type of person who cares about someone from the second they meet them.

so having to keep track of and care about and love everyone on my other friends list. is incredibly trying. and not worth it when most of them probably wouldnt lift a finger to help me in return.

i've come to the realization that 95% of my friends will die before me. not years before me. but possible decades before me. i'm afraid to meet new people with cf now. afraid to get close to anyone else. seeing cindy on the vent. it just. slapped me in the face. im terrified of losing her. i hate losing my friends. and losing someone like her. would be it for me. i'd probably drop off the face of the earth.

this past weekend i just narrowly escaped being admitted into the mental hospital. my shrink tried to put me in, but insted we just upped the anti depressants and she wrote me an actual note for work. i went away for the weekend. (sun-weds(today)) to visit a few friends. in hopes to get some relaxation in. it was less than a temporary fix. yes, i had fun. but life came crashing back down. last night when i realized i had to go back home. and back to life. i honestly dont know if i can do it anymore. im so close to quitting my job, my job which used to be my sanctuary. i adore my job. and the fact that last friday i spent the entire shift sitting in the stairwell crying. just blows my mind.

i'm sorry for the rant.