Old habits die hard

how I feel



I've had it with life. I have no desire to live.
I'm cutting again. I cant function.
If I had the guts, I would have already ended it.

I'm not in the mood for people. don't be offended if I ignore you. or tell you point blank to leave me alone. my life. has fallen apart faster than ever. and I just cant see it ever getting better.


I guess, here is the scoop.



as most of you know, one of my Best Friends is Alan Crowther. (I visited him while in England a few months back, and let me just say I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN.)



well. guess what he has been denied transplant, after they fucked him around for 11months,,now they're just saying "thats it thanks for playing. now go home and die"
making him wait months and months for tests that should have been done all at once during the evaluation process. telling him "you'll be active on the list friday" and then calling him on monday saying "oh sorry we didnt list you need another scan, lets make it for 2 months from now" OVER and OVER again!!! its absolute bullshit !!!!

he had plans
him and Allie were thinking of having a child in vetro.
he was gonna come stay with me. we were all gonna make smores. cuz he'd never heard of them.
they were even considering moving here after his transplant
I spend all day, everyday talking and on cam with him and sometimes Allie.
when I wake up in the morning, he's there, sometimes with Allie :)
when I fall asleep at night, he's there. usually fast asleep himself, but he is still there.
and now its just like...i cant imagine my life without him in it

I know he has cf. I know transplant isnt always successful.
but......it was a shot.
and in that shot. more time.
more time for a cure. or better treatments
or something
and a shot for me to become more mentally stable. to be able to cope better.
do something other then carving into my flesh
something other than shutting down, and crying, for days, weeks on end.


I just don't know what to do anymore. I need help. I can't stand waking up in the morning. I can't stand seeing people, talking to people, breathing. living.

I just want it to go away.....anyone have any advice on how to go on living....?

Update 8/27/11

have been rather mentally stable for a bit,
but the past few days have been struggling a bit.
in a not so good place right now.
I don't know where I belong in life.
I start school on Thursday.
I'm probably going to have to quit my job.
I don't know where to start looking for a new one.
I'm open to suggestions?
I'm just so all over.

I'm not suicidal.
Just not stable.

Graduation

graduated my IOP program today. feeling decent (mentally) I think I'm making progress, however I dont think I'll be going back to chilton.
we'll see.

Improvement

So yeah, things seem to be smoothing out in my life. Emotionally speaking.
new meds are certainly helping.
havent cut since....oh I dont know. maybe 4 days now.
I put makeup on today for the first time in about 2 weeks.
so thats obviously a good sign.

other than that, theres really not much to report.


<3 Ducky

numb

Not really sure where I'm at.
Yesterday was a good day.
Daniella came over, spent the day with me.
Last night I started mood stablizers.
made me feel like a zombie.
I felt like I was sleep walking when I got up to pee (and eat cake) at 4am.
my eyes woulndt stay open. I felt heavy. it was an odd feeling.
I had a hard time waking up this morning as well.
I had a nice 1 1/2 hour shower this morning.
made plans to have lunch with a coach/friend from high school on tuseday.
its good for me to get out and see people. but I cant do large crowds or anything overly stimulating as I'll end up having an anxiety attack.

I'm officially on medical leave from work again. for a minimum of 4weeks. I dont know how I feel about that yet.

A week from today I start my IOT (intensive outpatient therapy)
4hrs a day, 3 days a week.
I'm not really looking forward to that at all, but if it helps, I'll do it.

I guess thats really it for now.


(P.S. my pacemaker has 7months left)

Summing up my mental health

I'm terrified of losing my job but at the same time I dont know if I can even do it anymore.

People expect me to be okay with being on disability. I'm far from okay with that.

I expect more out of myself than I'm capable of achieving.

I had to back out of (temporarily) the one thing I live for (working with CF/CFers) because I cant handle the suffering and death right now.


I've gone over the edge, been pulled back and I'm now teetering on it.

I talked my way out of the mental hospital. I couldn't stay there any longer.
it was making me worse.
I'm doing an intensive outpatient program.

Drastically changing my meds.
Coming to terms with the reality that after bouncing the diagnoses back & forth for years...I may infact be bipolar.

Suicide & Cutting

Yes, I cut myself.
I cut to make the emotional pain fade for awhile.
I cut to see myself bleed.
But all my cuts are superficial.
I know where the large veins and arteries are. I do not intend to cut them.
I use alcohol wipes before cutting.
I use antiseptic/antibacterial/antimicrobial wash after.
in the words of the psych who saw me at the hospital:
I cut "intelligently." and I'm not a "danger" to my life.

Yes, I've thought about my own death.
Yes, I've thought about being the cause of my own death.
Yes, sometimes, I'd like to be dead.
Yes, I know how I'd kill myself if I were ever to want to do it.

...however....

No, I would never kill myself.
as much as I want to sometimes.
I wouldn't do it, I couldn't do it.
being the only surviving of 3 children,
I could not do that to my family...or my friends
I know how it feels to lose a friend or family member to suicide,
I could not put the ones I love through that pain.

Hospital

I went in friday.



They wanted me admitted. but I refused to stay in that place. it was like being in jail. I couldnt have my phone. my mom couldnt stay with me. they wanted me to use a little steel toilet in the corner of my room. they can actually lock you in the room. your room is like an observation room so they can all see in. theres cameras everywhere
they wouldnt let me have my own clothes, book, slippers. or anything. I could only eat with spoons
I was like FUCKKKK this

now I have to do some intensive outpatient thing.
we're also doing alot of work on my meds.
trying to minimize stress and maximize fun/relaxation

My biggest fear right now is losing my job.
but we're also taking some steps to change that.


Everything in my life seems to be crashing.
Internally and externally.
Every little thing is enormously overwhelming.
I'm at the end of my rope.

its not even all about CF, granted curing CF would fix alot of my problems.
but theres just so, so much more to that in my life. and theres just not much that is going right.

yesterday I spent a good 4-5 hrs crying. just sobbing. I didnt cut anymore though.
I just cried. and cried. and cried. and cried. and then, I cried more.

SOMETHING has to change. and soon

Crashing

my stress comes from the fact that i have no time to rest.

my work life involves people suffering and dying. and my social life involves people suffering and dying (cuz my life revolves around CF stuff)

it consumes my life to point where sometimes even I think I have cf.

and i'm the type of person who cares about someone from the second they meet them.

so having to keep track of and care about and love everyone on my other friends list. is incredibly trying. and not worth it when most of them probably wouldnt lift a finger to help me in return.

i've come to the realization that 95% of my friends will die before me. not years before me. but possible decades before me. i'm afraid to meet new people with cf now. afraid to get close to anyone else. seeing cindy on the vent. it just. slapped me in the face. im terrified of losing her. i hate losing my friends. and losing someone like her. would be it for me. i'd probably drop off the face of the earth.

this past weekend i just narrowly escaped being admitted into the mental hospital. my shrink tried to put me in, but insted we just upped the anti depressants and she wrote me an actual note for work. i went away for the weekend. (sun-weds(today)) to visit a few friends. in hopes to get some relaxation in. it was less than a temporary fix. yes, i had fun. but life came crashing back down. last night when i realized i had to go back home. and back to life. i honestly dont know if i can do it anymore. im so close to quitting my job, my job which used to be my sanctuary. i adore my job. and the fact that last friday i spent the entire shift sitting in the stairwell crying. just blows my mind.

i'm sorry for the rant.